Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Gowri had been disturbed the whole day. It had been a busy day at work – meetings, approvals, proposals, deadlines - it’s always like this before a weekend—makes you wonder sometimes whether people work only at the weekend!
Now back home early – surprisingly for a weekend – made excuses to some close pals that she was not keeping well and won’t be able to make it today …She wanted some time to herself… at least today .
Today is the 10th of Dec. 4 years have passed the day when her life changed forever --- nobody remembers or likes to remember the day anymore….but she can’t forget it , can she ? It s all so clear just like it happened yesterday— an eagerly awaited marriage, so many hopes and prayers, well-wishers, nasty relatives, close friends, apprehension of a new home and life, new relatives --- the only known factor was Anand. Gowri & Anand had been engaged for nearly 6 months before their marriage, so at least he was someone whom Gowri knew or rather she mistook she knew.
Everything went wrong between them from the beginning. Their lives revolved in the hectic and busy world of today where each day was a struggle by itself for survival. Initially it became just another marriage of convenience – no complains, demands, responsibilities etc. Then, Anand left his job one fine day. Things began to turn worse – single salary, double expenses, credit bills, rents, finances, loans (which are the normal adjectives to everyone in UAE) – everything went haywire and so also Gowri & Anand’s relationship. It became volatile – Anand became violent and started abusing Gowri. Gowri though always strong succumbed to this and became depressed and suicidal. It was Gowri’s decision to separate – she wanted to live peacefully. Both parents got involved and advised them to meet a Family Counselor, which Anand was totally against. They spent just 1 and half years together.
Today was her Anniversary. Gowri could never forget or forgive Anand for what he had done to her life. Gowri has been living alone for more than 2 years now. Their divorce is still at the courts since Anand denied paying her any money at all since Gowri had requested him to pay off the loans he had taken on her. The case has been dragging for more than 2 years now.
This evening, sitting by her window, looking out she could see the kids playing around and parents keeping a watchful eye lest they get hurt in their games….. This was what she was missing! A proper life – husband, wife, kids, etc… she was yearning for all this now…. she did enjoy her work, friends, etc—but then many a time she felt herself to be a misfit …she wanted a proper life too…. And what was stopping her? Anand—tat was the answer she came up with – and tried to hate him more.
Gowri’s mobile starts ringing singing the latest DoCoMo tune, it always brings a smile to her face as it reminds her of her best friend’s baby, who just loves the music and starts swaying to it..Yup, tats Anjali calling to check on her …
Gowri – Hi!
Anjali- Hey, Gowri what are u up to? Aren’t u coming? We are waiting for you.
Gowri mustered up a cough and said “I’m not keeping too well; think will sleep off early – not up to it…”
Anjali – Oh, C’mon, we will make some warm food for you in that case, and you can take rest here. Look, Ishan is saying hello to you”
Gowri could hear the sweet cooing and strange gargling sound he makes over the phone inviting her over .She could never resist him. But not today—today she wanted to be alone … to herself..
Anjali- Gowri, I don’t want you alone today. Just because we don’t say anything, doesn’t mean we don’t remember. I know what today means to you and I don’t want you to be brooding over it.
Gowri as usual came up with her tag line” You don’t understand- you don’t know how it feels like”
Anjali –“Yes, I know, only you will know and that’s why I am asking you to leave it. I’m not telling you to forget it or not hate him, but try forgiving him—or rather try loving yourself a bit more than the hatred you have. Think about it, live your life and love your life…tats all I have to say “
Gowri put the phone down but the words were ringing in her ears---was it true that she had so much hatred in her? Anand was not stopping her from anything—he was not a part of her life any more – they see each other once / twice a year at the court—then why?
Why did she fight this case—was it just for the money? No, it was just so that Anand would never ever treat another woman like her again. It would have made a difference if he had been sorry. The only thing that made a difference to Anand was money and nothing else mattered to him. Gowri also knew that Anand was planning to get married again and had found a girl for himself but since the case was not through, their marriage was being stalled.
Her family was fed up as well. They wanted to see her happy. Yes, it would be a bit of a struggle but then, she could manage to pay off the loans by herself—if she could do it for the past 3 years, she can manage for another 3 more years. Gowri thought about it again – would she be hurting anyone with her decision—No, she would be happy and make others happy as well.
Gowri picked up the phone and dialed Anand’s number.
The familiar Hello sounded from the other end… Gowri didn’t know what to say- for a moment her throat went dry and then she said “ Anand, Gowri here “. A silence at the other end too – then he was like “ I don’t have anything to talk to you – you made my life miserable, now you are dragging the case just to make things worse etc etc…”.
“Wait a sec, Anand “; Gowri interrupted “I called to tell you that I’m calling the case off.”
” You are what?” Anand couldn’t believe his ears.
“I said, I’m calling the case off – will sign off that I don’t need any money from you and will finish off the case- I don’t want to carry this case on any longer – just inform your lawyer to call my lawyer and make the necessary papers. I will tell him too. “
“Gowri, is there someone in your life, are you getting married?” only Anand has the cheek to ask such a question at such a time.
That spark was all that Gowri needed,” You just don’t get it, do you? You were the first and the only person in my life whom I gave in myself completely to , you were the first man I loved in my life , the first person I trusted myself with, the only person with whom I let my guard down and in spite of all this you HURT me!! Hurt and fear that kept me awake for more than a year even after I separated from you.
I helped you when you were struggling and last 3 years I have been struggling to pay off that help.
I could have held on to the case, coz I already have a court judgment in my favor, jus that law takes its own time – you may end up behind the bars, you may lose your job etc—all these I never wanted. I don’t want to deprive your parents of their son in their old age. I just wanted a peaceful life. I never wished to hate you, but ended up doing that.
I need to live my life and for that I need you away from my life forever. You took away everything from me – my happiness, my life and myself ….you took away my belief in love and goodness in people. I need to bring all that back and for that I need to forget and forgive you. Forget you so that I can once again start loving someone and forgive you so that I can once again believe in people and love.
Forget the money - consider this as a wedding gift from my end - to start new- to love someone more than yourself, to be there for someone. This is a chance given to you, not by me, but by destiny – to change, to mend ways. I have nothing more to say. “Gowri paused, the gush of words had just flowed out but the silence that ensued calmed her down.
“Gowri, I know I was wrong with you- the past 3 years, I did realize that in many ways- but guess our egos, these court matters etc got in the way – I was scared of how you would react if I called to tell you this….I know it’s too late between us to set things right—but do forgive me and try not to hate me.” Anand said this with a lot of conviction but Gowri had had enough of experience with Anand’s words – whether to believe his words or not – but this time, she didn’t care. She had not called him expecting this and judging Anand’s words no longer mattered to her.
“Good bye Anand! Take care of Uma. Wish you a great life together!”
Anand struggled for his meek thank you. And just before she kept the phone, Gowri said, “By the way, Happy Anniversary” and she kept the phone.
She was relieved, liberated….never once in these 4 years had she felt this way—as if a big burden had been removed from her…. She had her life now, she loved her life and she wanted to LIVE this life and not merely EXIST!!

Gowri picked up her phone and dialed Anjali’s number, “Hey, Anjali, where are you people jamming tonight?” After Anjali’s reply, Gowri says,” Not a problem, the party is on me tonight – I’m celebrating today! Catch you guys in 20 minutes” and kept the phone down.
Gowri grabbed her bag and car keys and said to herself –
“Yes- in Celebration of being alive!!”

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Make the World a Better Place ??

Yet another long weekend :) UAE national Day !! The last week has been abudant with holidays and I can jus imagine what the period after this is gonna be at work !
Plans for the day ? Feel like taking a break away from everything & everybody :) Go off to an unknown place with unknown people --- heights of depression ? Nope --- just a bit of space in life :)
People are strange creatures --- God has made them so complex with a multitude of emotions and he calls them a higher species compared to others .... How simpler life would have been if i were a bird , a fish , an ant , a bear ?!@# Why a human ? I would fly high as a bird , changing locations once in a while, no strings attached..... A fish swimming in shoal of others - be it a lake, sea or ocean with no boundaries - An ant very typical to a human but stocks away for the future fully knowing the repercussions ... A bear who can hiberante off without any worries--- ha ha ha ... I know the otherside to it as well... but so simple are these lives....

Look at us --- each day --a struggle to survive and mind you just to survive not to LIVE ... the difference is Sir ER Braithwaite rightly said.... " Life is like a battlefield, u need to be a warrior to LIVE in it , not EXIST ! Existence is jus going thru life by dragging ur soul behind --- LIVE is to actually go thru your life savouring each moment "
Life is general has become so busy for people--- everyone is in that rat race ---- to reach somewhere-- a destination unseen / mis interpreted as success in life !!

Look around you-- all that we see are people trying to make big in this world.... be it thru hook or crook... there used to be a time when people believed that with hardwork and lil bit of luck, we could succeed in life ... but gone are those days-- today , the ground rules to success are cut throat competition, backstabbing/ backbiting, b###hing, cheating, following selfish interests alone and of course crushing over someone (inspite that it can be avoided)....
Is this the characteristics of the wonderful species that Almighty above created ???

Selfishness has become a way of life today ---- how often do we pause to think of others ; their feelings; emotions; or parents- their lives, how often do we try to adjust or accomodate others ???
Yes of course, we have a reason for the same -- I'm busy in my daily life, I have a family to think of , what am I ultimately getting from doing all this--why take the hassle ??? Yes, why bother ----didnt ur parents bother about bringing you up-- were they selfish at that time ???
Didnt ur parents or their peers struggle to make a living but with all that make lives for others as well? Do we go thru all that ?
Of course the world was a much better place that time--- why bcoz there were much better people that time..... the world is the same--- the only thing that has changed is the people in this world.... with degenerating values, time, space, and emotions.....

The SELF has become more prominent--- the root cause of all evils next to MONEY :)
Animals or other creatures though they dont try to make the world a better place, they dont destroy the same......What do we - as humans do to make this place a better world for a new generation???

I end on this note that lets make a conscious effort -- each of can make a difference to this world in our own small ways --- lets try to make this a better place since we owe it to the next generation for their LIFE ( and not EXISTENCE) !!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Goodness in People - A faded glory ??

Some Erratic / Eccentric Thoughts

On a long weekend, unlike my comrades who will be still fighting demons or building their paradise in their early morning dreams , I’m welcoming this dawn with my cuppa coffee and erratic thoughts ……

I have just come back from a small trip and my bags are still lying around unpacked :) ….and since there is no chance that the bags will do the same themselves – in spite of me giving them time for 3 days , I decided to undertake the cleansing process myself …

A few Fab India kurtas ( that give me that fake intellectual look), the assorted bottles of pickles that Amma lovingly packed ( typical South Indian eh ?), Chips & halwa (Calciut specials brought on order), the regular temples’ prasadams ( which Amma and myself offer constantly in the belief that they will set right everything someday – in a way trying to bribe the Gods and grab attention !!), medicines for some dear and near ones (its cheaper to fly to India than buy medicines from UAE), a few movie CDs and not to forget my favourite – lots of books --- fiction, non fiction, biographies, self help etc... these need to last till my next trip back home when I replenish them.

Hmmm…tats not a big list eh? Yup- was just lazy to do the unpacking till now…. As I go thru my bags, I find some old papers as well…. Papers that make me go thru helluva emotions even today --- its not what’s in those papers that affect me – but the background, the basic essence of human nature that reflects from them….

Goodness in people ---- yes, something that’s fast approaching extinction!! How many of us believe in this aspect even today – a countable few? Rather a degenerating class of people whom others classify as gullible fools….Its jus the way of the world today …don’t you remember the days of growing up when your parents would warn you consistently about being wary of the BAD people around you ….Im sure we would have heard more about the evil in people, the bad things they do to children, the cruelties people have faced, people responsible for war , bad politics etc etc……... and as for Good ??? Good people featured only in the epics or ancient history – mainly in the form of different avatars; and the maximum in movies –wherein the hero would be the apostle to bringing goodness to this world. J Even today, when you see a beggar, you are first reminded of the stories that your folks must have told you that beggars kidnap children, make them beg etc etc ….. how often do u pause and think – how genuine they may be in their handicap that left them unable to do any other physical work? How often do we stop and look at a person on the road , who may be in dire need of help--- but wat runs in our mind is the 100 stories we have heard of offering lifts or help to strangers on the highways and we speed away !! How many of us believe someone who tells you that they haven’t had food in days and request for some monetary help promising to return it –we shrug it off with a quote on principles “ Tat I don’t believe in lending money to friends or family- it spoils the relationship !!”

Yes, you would tend to term yourselves as people who are smart enough to live in this world and not gullible like the others…… but then do we also recognize the goodness in people? Do we pass on this goodness to the future? Are we just deteriorating to a selfish class of simply materialistic people?

I have had some really close people cheating me – of money, emotions, feelings, vulnerability, my life etc--- yes, in my close group of friends – people do whisper that Im jus a gullible idiot…. Jus because I still believe in the goodness of people. Jus like 2 sides to a coin, every person has goodness and badness in them – a person is judged only by the extent of which qualities overbear in his personality….. Yes, I did have some negative impact in my life because I tend to look at the goodness of people rather than the evil in them --- but someday, Im sure the same goodness they too would pass on to others knowingly or unknowingly…. Its rather a chain – more like our nuclear fission or fusion ( I was never good in Physics ;) ) – we do good, we believe in goodness and that passes on and on to others…. And somewhere we are also a part of that chain. Again, being vulnerable and gullible just doesn’t come from believing goodness in people--- so many other factors add to it--- but how often don’t we hear—I was jus vulnerable and he cheated me –I was jus gullible to believe his story – I will never again belive a person- never again trust the goodness in people….. this is absolutely obnoxious….. several other factors led to each other – but at the end , u just blame the goodness in people.

Im sure several people would disagree to the above—but I would rather say --- pause and think…. What makes it so difficult for us to accept the goodness in people – why cannot we tend to look at a stranger more on a defensive note rather than an open note? Why do we tend to look at all with suspicion rather than acceptance? There is a basic goodness in people --- in ALL people and we need to evoke this in each and every one of us…. Coz this world needs it…. Consider the next generation--- we ourselves are at the heights of disbelief—what would they turn out to be – jus a bunch of self obsessed and materialistic individuals who are unaware of what goodness is !! We are simply depriving them the pleasure of a peaceful and happy co existence in this world…..

So my dear people , I just end with this note that if each of us takes our baton to uphold our belief in the goodness of people , this world would soon be a better place !!!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Me , Myself

Welcome to my world......

This blog is my experimentation with amateur writing -- more better to call it my scribbling about anything and everything I feel like !!! So people...though I pity your plight to read my blogs....I need to voice out :) and you dont have a choice !!! :-)

I am not too techy to understand the pros, cons and how the blogs work as well , so many a time you will have to bear with me :)

My earlier experience with blogging was not quite encouraging since I had posted quite a few messages and one fine day I find the whole thing to have disappeared --- as every bad workman, I blamed it on the tools :-).

Now I am back and hope to post some stuff soon .
So , on that note , welcome once again to my world !!!